We have run the latest President's letter through our program (as posted earlier on this board).  Here's what you're dealing with....

A Message from the President

August 6, 2004

Dear Colleagues,

I want to make certain that everyone has received correct information [our version of the story] regarding salary increases for our faculty and staff. Please click on this link to read the press release which was issued Wednesday, August 4.

I also want to make it clear that the merit pay increases and the additional across-the-board payments of $400 are retroactive to July 1, 2004. The following information is being disseminated by the Department of Human Resources and explains how the retroactive pay will be distributed. Please review this information carefully and direct any questions you might have to Russ Willis at 266-4050 [maybe I can indunciadate Russ with calls and he'll leave USM for another job].

For bi[sexual]weekly paid employees, the first pay period began July 3, 2004; for [hetero] monthly paid employees, the pay period began July 1, 2004.

For all bi[sexual]weekly paid employees, the pay increase will be reflected in your September 10, 2004 paycheck. The September 10, 2004 paycheck will also include the retro payment. Thus, the September 10 paycheck will be for a larger amount than the September 24, 2004 check and those to follow.

For all monthly paid employees, your September 30, 2004 paycheck will reflect an increased amount as it also will include the retro pay. Thus, it will be for a larger amount than the October 31, 2004 paycheck. The amount of the October 31, 2004 paycheck will remain constant until such a time in the future that another raise is awarded [I hope this is sufficiently confusing; the real raises will occur in January 2005 if we can keep things under wraps for a while].

Employees hired after January 15, 2004, are not eligible for the merit increase or the additional $400.

[That reminds me, I need to get Polly to process Rusty's raise on 'the dl']

I do want to emphasize that even though we don't expect the legislative allocation to be sufficient for pay raises for the upcoming year [I wish USM were in the Delta], we, in large measure, control our own fate regarding future pay increases. If we work together to recruit more students [099s], retain the students we have [grade inflation, curb suspensions, count summers for suspensions, and change grades behind profs' backs], secure additional research funding [more Noetics] and manage our resources efficiently [let me run things without any interference], we can afford raises every year [at least until Phil Bryant and I are long gone from the scene].

I am very proud of what you have accomplished this year.

[just what have you really done, you lazy sobs?  Don't worry, time clocks are comin']

I thank each of you for a job well done [not].

Very truly yours,

Shelby F. Thames