Forgive me if you think I have defected from the "cause," but I have concluded that the message board participants have it all wrong. I consider you as my friends, so please don't be angry or disappointed at me for this. I have, however, concluded that Governor Barbour is correct: Mississipi's universities are veritable goldmines for economic development. Such resources must be harvested. Your president is correct: MIDAS will work. Faculty can become millionaires. I believe that the faculty is far too involved in public service, and far too few of your resources are devoted to self-service. And Seeker is right too: You are going about things the wrong way. While a step in the right direction, privatizing the book store to Barnes & Noble, and the food services to a private vendor, is not nearly enough. You must be much more creative, and aggressive, in such endeavors. All of the university's resources and property must be turned into income producing enterprises. For starters, I have a few suggestions:

PROPSOAL I. The football field in front of M.M. Roberts Stadium could easily become an immediate money-maker. I propose dividing the field into small perpetual-care gravesites to be purchased by avid Golden Eagle fans. What a wonderful final resting place! Price would be determined by distance to the 50-yard-line: The closer to midfield, the higher the price. Headstones would be flush to the ground, of course, so as not to interfere with the primary purpose of a football field. For an additional 10K, the term "Alumni Emeritus" would be carved into the marker. For fans who prefer cremation, the rounded corridor on the 1st floor of the Dome would be tastefully laced with vaults. As such, we would at least know where the bodies were buried.

PROPOSAL II: The rose garden adjacent to Hardy Street has wonderful economic possibilities. Rather than letting those beautiful flowers die and wilt, they should be harvested at maturity, packaged in some sort of USM-produced polymer, placed in those refrigerated flower cases such as are seen in grocery stores. and marketed. Just prior to cutting, while the roses are in full bloom, visitors to the rose garden would be able to insert $1.00 into one of several jukebox-like devices placed around the perimeter of the garden, and view the roses while listening to a relaxing song. The default tune would be "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden." For an additional $1.00, the visitor could cusomize the rendering (e.g., the visitor could play a number of "rose" songs, including but limited to "San Antonio Rose," "Red Roses for a Blue Lady," or the old Bobby Vinton tune "Roses are Red, My Love." Special tunes would be available for special occasions (and, of course at special prices). For instance, following a fraternity-  or sorority-  sponsored dance, a couple could stand beside the garden and listen to that old college favorite, "A White Sportscoat and a Pink Carnation." Before and after football games, fans could listen to "You Gotta Be a Football Hero To Be In Love With A Beautiful Girl," or "Are You Ready for Some Football" by Hank Williams, Jr. Finally, modeling Presevation Hall's tradition of charging a bundle to do "Saints," the jukebox-like devices would accept American Express for those who want to be reminded of 2004 by choosing  "Lying Eyes" by the Eagles for a megabuck contribution to the USM Economic Development Foundation.

PROPOSAL III: This proposal is two-fold. First, the Danforth Chapel would be convered to a 24-hour-wedding chapel, much like those one sees when visiting Las Vegas or the Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge area. A blinking neon sign would point the way. All deans would be required to become ordained ministers qualified to perform marriage ceremonies; or, alternatively, become Justices of the Peace, also qualified to perform such ceremonies. All chairs would be required to rotate duties as wedding attendants. The happy couple would, of course pay additional fees for these additional services. The deans and chairs would receive no addiitional compensation, but they could count this under the "service" category on their annual activity reports. Next, the Alumni House would be converted to a high price "bed-and-breakfast" just in case the happy couple wanted to spend their honeymoon on campus.

PROPOSAL IV: This proposal is based on the fact that some folks believe USM is turning into a circus. So let's capitalize on this! The grounds would be laced with sawdust and tents set up to embrace the many types of attractions formerly seen only at the State Fair in Jackson. Instead of having a "strong man" busting boards with his fist, one tent would house D.C. Berry who, for a fee of course, could be seen busting up teaching awards with his bare hands. Frank Glamser would be featured in his own show, doing daredevil motorcycle stunts on his BMW inside the Dome rotunda. There would, of course, be a "dunking booth". On their lofty perch above the water tub would be the high-level administrators. The higher the rank of the administrator, the higher the fee for dunking. USM would make a bundle on this act alone. The talented night chalker would be available to do caricatures and water soluable tatoos (for a fee, of course). Included among the game booths would be the ever-popular "Guess the Current USM Enrollment."  No circus is complete without the "big cats" and USM already has cats, albeit feral.  A potential big-money maker in itself. Finally, Bring the IHL Boarfd to campus so they can see first hand how they have helped turn USM into a circus.

more ideas out there?

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