Well, here I am. I hope I didn't keep you all waiting too long. Invictus kept calling my cellphone, but I keep the ringer off in church. I figure if the call comes in church, I won't need a cellphone.

The Ladies' Missionary Society meeting was quite lively, and we went a few minutes later than I expected. We have one lady, Miss Right (whose first name is "Always"), and she is not only "Always Right" but she's also "Always Got to Have the Last Word." She gets all worked up over the profit margin for the bake sales and whether we ought to license our muffins. I think she must be kin somehow to that little round bald-headed man who thinks he owns the University.

Now, Malapropism and Invictus sent me these terrible scorecard things with strange names, marginal notations, and occult symbols scrawled all over them. The only thing I've ever seen close to that mess were the French figure skating judges' scorecards during the Winter Olympics! Be that as it may, I managed to translate them. In the absence of any decent bribes, payola, or kick-backs, I had to tabulate them honestly. I realize that this is anathema at USM, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.

So here are the results.

First, the honorable mentions...

CBED Colonoscopy, although quite clever, perhaps exceeded the bounds of good taste. Invictus stood by this nomination to the bitter end, but nobody accuses Invictus of worrying about the bounds of good taste.

Allen Luddite - a reflection of the concern over USM's unrestrained morph into a polytechnic institute & a wonderful play off the host of the enchanting TV "Password" programme.

Is the Curtain Down? - A very astute name that raises a flag of caution for us all. At least that's what Malapropism thinks. Miss I thinks it could be a quote from the Base Flesh Myth and might be a lot sleazier than it seems. Miss I frets too much about the bounds of good taste.

Finally, an oldie but goodie, Let Freedom Ring, for demonstrating the importance of internal consistency with a pseudonym - never once has this poster forgotton to add "No Quarter".

Now, a drum roll please. The winner of the first weekly Nom d'Aplomb Award is...

Roly Poly-mer because the combined etymology and imagery of a rotund plastic was simply too creative to resist. Also, this nom de plume reminds us of where our efforts should continue to be focused.

Roly Poly-mer (or anybody else who wants) can retrieve the grand prize certificate now. It's just a small token of our esteem and amusement.

Thanks to everyone who takes a moment to entertain us with their handy handles, astounding aliases, and cryptic pseudonyms. And remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you!