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USM Forum -- Message Board -> AAUP-USM MESSAGE BOARD -> response to thames #4
Post Info TOPIC: response to thames #4
noel polk

Date:
response to thames #4
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Oh, Shelbo, Shelbas, Shelbat! ---you sly old fox you! you wooer! you head-turner! Your charms might just work yet! Your latest smileygram is really a masterpiece of the Sunny Shelby, the Funny Shelby, the Master Shelby, the Faster Shelby, the Father Shelby, the Brother Shelby, the Good Old Boy Shelby, the Really Nice Guy Shelby! Whoever is writing them for you---we can tell someone is because nearly all the words are spelled correctly and most of the sentences parse---should get a raise for meritorious services because he/she is actually making you sound like a human being, one of us, showing us a side of you that we’ve never ever ever seen or thought about or associated with you, and that’s surely good for all us.


I can’t speak for anybody else, but I have to admit that your sugar and spice communiqués really make me want to rethink you and---dare I say it?---to LIKE you, to be  a pal with whom you can share a drink or so at the Hog of an afternoon or go to church with you or maybe even get invited to your house for dinner. Could we be pals, Shelby? You could teach me the wonders of polymers and I could demonstrate to you the dynamics of a Faulknerian sentence and the wonders of his stream-of-consciousness. You know, we might even find ourselves collaborating somehow, using some of that natural and untapped synergy between literature and polymer science that you tried so hard to tell us about when you reorganized the university. We probably have much to share with and learn from each other. I’m so sorry it took me so long to realize what you in your wisdom knew all along.


I’m working hard, I assure you, to prepare myself for our friendship. I still have a few awful defects of character to clean up before I can be acceptable, but I hope you will be patient with me, as you have been these last two years. The main defect is my pesky memory, which is working overtime, no matter how much I look to the future you are trying to prepare us for or how much I long for us to be pals in this New World you’ve created here on the site where USM used to be. I’ve tried, really tried, to forget Stringer and Glamser and Whiting and Angie and Mark and Jack, your shall-I-say-it-so-delicately frequent elasticities with the truth, and the numerous edicts and decisions that seemed to my limited understanding so bumbling and heavy-handed and ruthless and dictatorial and unnecessary and, well, just stupid. I know I suffer from a poor understanding of the Big Picture, but I’m sure I can be enlightened if we can be pals and hang out together.


I know I have to earn your friendship, though, and, well, I guess you know I haven’t done a lot lately to help our friendship along, but I’m trying to change. Maybe you can teach me, please, Shelby, how to train my memory to be like yours, so I don’t have to deal so constantly with the nightmares and the disasters and the bad faith that my misunderstanding of your motives and your character has caused. Can you teach me, please, how to forget what you’ve done so we can be pals? Can you? Please?


Sincerely,


Noel Polk


Professor of English



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Oh the possibilities...

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Noel? Noel, is that you?


I am really beginning to see a vision of what Sheby is doing to bring out your true genius. Oh, you have been misguided in your Faulknerian quest. But I can see that Sheby is helping to give you a new, improved direction.


I perceive that you are starting to realize the transformation to a more modern Chaucerian compilation. It could be something that has never been Donne. I can see it now...Noel's Notes from the Naughty Nothingness. You could have a Risk Manager's Tale and a PR's prosti...oops...princess' tale and a tale of two tenuously tenured types who were flogged for failing to find favor from Freeland. And think of the serial possibilities. Each tale could ultimately become a segment for a highly successful TV sitcom (The Con-Dome ConDumbdrum). The series could run for years with this cast of mean spirited, low IQ bungelers. Heck, the episode on Roy Dumb alone could be a two-part episode. The first part could be when he finds he does not have a brain and the second part could be where he finds, as President of the IHL Board, that he does not need a brain. A degree from MSU and a company left to him by his daddy is all he really needs in life.


Gee Noel, after all of the royalties start flowing to your bank account, you will need to publicly thank Sheby for his firm direction in your life. He made you the wealthy, famous man you have become! Remember, Sheby's goal is to make every USM faculty member a millionaire!


 



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True Fix

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Oh, Shelbominable. You pusilanimous (look it up) little troll! Can you really be so provincial, so ignorant, so lacking in red blood, so up-in-a-corner, so false to your captain-of-industry-wannabe image, so lacking-in cajones, so, well, Shelbominitious that you really will not fire this contumacious twerp Noel Polk when he repeatedly shoves your nose right down in it? How do you expect to inspire more faculty to become more millionaires when you so blatantly tolerate this insubordinate behavior? Lord, you are pathetic!


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LVN

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The Con-Dome ConDumbdrum


Thank you so much -- now my ribs are going to ache all day.  Hope you're happy.



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Invictus

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I always suspected that Faulkner's sentences were, um, polymeric ... or at least as close as one can get without indulging in outright run-on sentences. Ole Bill used a lot of ethanol extractions in his writing, too. Better living thru chemistry & all that!

Dr. Polk may be getting close to a real breakthrough in cross-disciplinary studies here, folks!







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underwhelmed

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Is that really Noel?


If so, he is shrinking into a very little man.


Can do better.  Must do better.



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truth4usm/AH

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quote:
Originally posted by: underwhelmed
"Is that really Noel? If so, he is shrinking into a very little man. Can do better.  Must do better."
And perhaps your sense of humor has already shrunk.

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palindrome

Date:
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quote:
Originally posted by: underwhelmed
"Is that really Noel?
If so, he is shrinking into a very little man.
Can do better.  Must do better."


I have to agree. This continuing diatribe against Thames can only do more harm than good. Any average "man on the street" reading this series of posts will lose any sympathy he/she has for the faculty at USM. It is (past) time to stop this kind of name calling.

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truth4usm/AH

Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: palindrome
" I have to agree. This continuing diatribe against Thames can only do more harm than good. Any average "man on the street" reading this series of posts will lose any sympathy he/she has for the faculty at USM. It is (past) time to stop this kind of name calling."
I'm so tired of everyone saying that they have an exclusive view into "the man on the street's" brain (what about the woman on the street, BTW?).  We're just having a bit of fun at SFT's expense.  You'll note that there are PLENTY of other posts on this board doing the same thing.  I think you aren't giving the "man on the street" enough credit here...he knows good satire when he sees it.

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Eagle

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This man on the street likes it.

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The Rock

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99% of the "men on the street" in Hattiesburg have no clue that this board exists, and most of the other 1% don't have internet access.  And Lord knows that most of Purvis and Sumrall don't even know what the world wide web is anyways....

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ree

Date:
Permalink Closed


Regardless of the 'man on the street' i appreciate that Polk has not given up the fight and shares with us his humor. 
Shelby probably doesn't even understand the letter and will probably have his new buddy Polk over for dinner, delighted he has 'communicated' effectively to his estranged faculty.


 



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The Rock

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"...will probably have his new buddy Polk over for dinner..."


I wouldn't hold your breath on that one - you're more likely to see the Glamser and Stringer families sharing Thanksgiving dinner at 3600 Shelboo Place than to see Polk and SFT dine together......



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Anna

Date:
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quote:




Originally posted by: palindrome


"Any average "man on the street" reading this series of posts will lose any sympathy he/she has for the faculty at USM.


But not every man on the street will lose sympathy. I'm a man on the street - well, actually I'm a woman on the street - and the more I learn about the goings on at USM the more I am convinced you are right, palindrome.


Anna



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Angeline

Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: Anna
" But not every man on the street will lose sympathy. I'm a man on the street - well, actually I'm a woman on the street - and the more I learn about the goings on at USM the more I am convinced you are right, palindrome. Anna"
Notice also, from another thread, that Palindrome is affiliated with MSU, not USM.  Does he/she really know what the "man on the street" in Hattiesburg thinks?

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Anna

Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: Anna
" But not every man on the street will lose sympathy. I'm a man on the street - well, actually I'm a woman on the street - and the more I learn about the goings on at USM the more I am convinced you are right, palindrome. Anna"
Oh, yes, palindrome. One more thing. You will notice by my name that I was actually named after you. I, too, am a palindrome.

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this little pig

Date:
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Dear Shelby,
Your paint may not stink, but your courage sure does! Are you going to let Noel Polk et al talk to you and about you this way?

Why don't you strap on a pair and come out swingin'? Are you THAT spineless?

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