IHL TO BORROW FROM REALITY TV SHOW TO OPEN USM PRESIDENTAL SELECTION PROCESS

JACKSON—Responding to criticism regarding the closed process whereby Mississippi State University President Richard Foglesong was selected, the Board of Trustees for the State Institutions of Higher Learning in Mississippi announced today that the selection process for choosing the next president of the University of Southern Mississippi will be different.

Following a format similar to Fox Television’s popular new reality show “Unanimous,” the 12-member IHL Board of Trustees will be locked in an underground bunker in February and not emerge until they reach a unanimous decision regarding who the new Southern Miss president will be. The board’s public debates and private conversations regarding the decision process will be televised via Mississippi Public Broadcasting stations. February is a sweeps month. 

Hidden cameras and microphones in the bunker will record board members as they attempt to bribe, deceive, plead and coerce each other and strategize among themselves concerning who the final candidate should be, explained IHL Commissioner Tom Meredith. No communication will be allowed in or out of the bunker as the board deliberates. “This will be as open a process as has ever been used,” he added, “regardless of the board being out of touch with the outside world.”

Like the television series, the goal of the sequestered board will be to reach a unanimous decision as early in the process as possible to gain the greatest reward. (Contestants on “Unanimous” initially compete for $1 million in prize money. Contestants try to convince the others that he or she most deserves the prize money, but the vote must be unanimous.  After each vote that is not unanimous the value of the prize diminishes.) In the new IHL process, the earlier the decision, the more qualified the new Southern Miss president will be. The more votes required to reach unanimity, the less qualified the final candidate will be.

“The Board will have the names of several candidates as they enter the bunker,” explained Meredith. “At the top of the list will be Vice President of United States Dick Cheney, who, I’m told, will be available in June 2007. If there is unanimity on the first vote, then USM will have the former vice president of the United States as its new president,” he said.  “If not unanimous, they will go to other less-qualified candidates.” 

Some have expressed doubt in Cheney’s ability to lead USM.  “We’ve had someone similar to Cheney there for five years and look what happened,” said a board member who asked not to be identified. 

Each vote that is not unanimous will result in a new candidate with fewer qualifications being considered.  “I truly hope they reach an early decision.  I don’t want Curtis the cashier from Mr. Zippy to be the next president of Southern Miss,” said Meredith. He admitted this was the candidate at the very bottom of the list but refused to give more information. “Curtis said his manager, Mr. Calhoun, will get kind of crappy if he finds that Curtis is looking for another job,” explained Meredith.

However, some board members have expressed interest in naming a university president who has business experience. “I don’t think we should automatically discard small business people for consideration as president of Mississippi Southern,” said another board member who asked not to be identified. 

On another matter, USM President Shelby Thames said today that he has no intention of seeking revenge during his final year as president on Southern Miss faculty members who have opposed his administration.  “I’ve got too much to do to play that game,” he said.  He then announced that he will ask the IHL at the next board meeting to name the building on the Hattiesburg campus known as the Liberal Arts Building the “Roy Klumb Center for Miscellaneous Studies”.

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