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USM Forum -- Message Board -> AAUP-USM MESSAGE BOARD -> And now a word from our sponsors
Post Info TOPIC: And now a word from our sponsors
Patti

Date:
And now a word from our sponsors
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Ok guys and gals, its been slow around here, thank god.


I got to looking through some of my things, and came across two articles (not literally) that I find to be one, funny, and two, smacks more of the truth than even I like to admit.  So, I decided to post them here and let you decide for yourselves.


 


Memorandum


To: All Employees


From: Management


Subject:  Special High Intensity Training


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (abbreviated S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.


If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing  that  you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.


Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Department Employee Evaluation Programs (to be called D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore and are full of S.H.I.T. already.


If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (code name B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can eventually apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).


If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Program (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.), or to the top man, the Boss in General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)


Thank you.



__________________
Patti

Date:
Permalink Closed

The Plan


In the beginning was the Plan.


And then came the assumptions.


And the assumptions were without form,


and the Plan was completely without substance:


and the darkness was upon the face of the employees.


And they spoke amongst themselves, saying


"Its a crock of **** and it stinks!"


And the employees went unto the supervisors, saying


"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof".


And the supervisiors went unto their managers, saying


"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none can abide it".


And the managers went unto their division managers, saying,


"It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength".


And the division managers went unto their System managers, saying,


"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong"


And the system managers went unto the general manager, saying,


"It promotes growth and is very powerful".


And the General Manager wnet unto the board, saying,


"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization ! " .


And the board looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.


And the Plan became Policy !


This is how **** happens !



__________________
Lady Kick

Date:
Permalink Closed

Kick.


Spit my coffee out on the first one.



__________________
Troll Alert

Date:
Permalink Closed

Don't feed the trolls.

__________________
Sense of Humor

Date:
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Troll Alert wrote:

Don't feed the trolls.
That's no troll. You are confusing a troll with a comedian. Smile!

__________________
Patti

Date:
Permalink Closed

Troll Alert wrote:

Don't feed the trolls.

TA,


I can assure you I am not a troll.  I just wanted to give people a smile and a chuckle in the midst of all that has and is going on at USM.  Besides, they fit. 


Maybe others like LVN or Invicitus, SCM can vouch for me.



__________________
LVN

Date:
Permalink Closed

Patti is a real person who lives in the West and is a friend to USM via a friend of hers. She has been a long-time poster, who often has a refreshing non-academic outlook on issues. Although I had to ask to be taken off her mailing list (because I get innundated with "funnies" from an elderly relative) she has sent me some really funny items in the past.

__________________
Troll Zapper

Date:
Permalink Closed

As a professional troll zapper, I can affirm that Patti is an authentic poster and is definitely not a troll. No Flit will ever be needed after Patti's posts.



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Invictus

Date:
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I send a copy of that to all the deans I routinely work with at my institution. They have appointed me the Special High Intensity Training Head Educator And Developer.

(I figure if a week goes by without getting at least one dirty joke via email from those folks, I'm in the doghouse for something!)

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already gone

Date:
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Invictus wrote:

I send a copy of that to all the deans I routinely work with at my institution. They have appointed me the Special High Intensity Training Head Educator And Developer. (I figure if a week goes by without getting at least one dirty joke via email from those folks, I'm in the doghouse for something!)
Does this mean that you're a coprophagologist? 

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Invictus

Date:
Permalink Closed


already gone wrote:
Invictus wrote:
I send a copy of that to all the deans I routinely work with at my institution. They have appointed me the Special High Intensity Training Head Educator And Developer. (I figure if a week goes by without getting at least one dirty joke via email from those folks, I'm in the doghouse for something!)
Does this mean that you're a coprophagologist? 


No, that would be the Employee Attitude Training Special High Intensity Training.

I'm just have a case of craniocolitis ... at least to hear the deans talk.

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