A troubling day - USM Forum -- Message Board

Date: Mar 19, 2005

A troubling day

Date: Mar 19, 2005

An adorable poster, Monique (de Guerre),

Was so troubled that she could not speak (to Angleterre),

But some Dom Perignon

And some time left alone

Should have rendered her more sympathique. (So there!)

Date: Mar 19, 2005

A DOUBLE limerick? I am extremely impressed.

Date: Mar 19, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: LVN
"A DOUBLE limerick? I am extremely impressed."

That IS impressive! I'm not sure I've ever seen one of those before, at least when sober. Dare we challenge this poet to go for three?

Date: Mar 19, 2005

The so-called "double limerick" posted at the following site:

http://www.arcanumcafe.com/articles/limerick0602.php

is not NEARLY as impressive as the poem posted above by our board-mate. Bravo (or brava) to thee, O board-mate!

Date: Mar 19, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: USM Sympathizer
"That IS impressive! I'm not sure I've ever seen one of those before, at least when sober. Dare we challenge this poet to go for three?"

Hey, thanks! Don't know if I can go for three.

It's brava.

Date: Mar 19, 2005

quote:

Originally posted by: Monique de Guerre's Social Secretary
"It has been a somewhat distressing afternoon at Mlle de Guerre's house. I was called in from my weekend repose (well-earned, I might add) and sent on an errand to purchase additional Dom Perignon. As this is Mlle de Guerre's preferred champagne in times of extreme crisis, I knew things were bad. It seems that earlier today, before her cafe au lait and brioche, Mlle de Guerre received an email from her dear friend USM Sympathizer, relaying a message from someone in the Pine Belt Resistance Campaign. This person informed Symp of a persistent rumor involving our own Professor Judd. It seems, according to the rumor, that so many ladies are enamoured of the dashing professor, that one must now take a number to be in love with him! I cannot adequately convey the level of distress this information created, hence the Dom Perignon. Unfortunately for all concerned, Mlle de Guerre sometimes operates at a very high level of confusion, particularly in the morning. (Friends should not send shattering messages much before eleven a.m.) In any case, somehow she formed the impression -- don't ask me how, she just does these things -- that a new revenue-enhancing scheme had been proposed. In this scenario, 15-minute increments of Professor Judd's time would be auctioned on eBay. The time could only be used at public social events, but she was quite worked up -- "Imagine, Hermione, just imagine -- there I am, whirling around the dance floor with dear Stephen to 'Roses from the South' [her favorite Strauss waltz] when some HUSSY in a cheap evening dress from a mail order catalog taps me on the shoulder demanding to dance with him, and saying something like 'time's up, sugar, it's my turn.' " At this point, I had to assist Mlle to lie down on the chaise and regain her composure. I reassured her that such a scheme was most unlikely, but she kept raving about the "failed Thames administration -- will they stop at NOTHING??" until the second or third glass of DP. At the moment she is taking a bubble bath and planning a late luncheon. Perhaps I should close now and make certain that she hasn't drowned. You all have a good afternoon. Professor Judd, many have advised you concerning the amount of time you spend working, but to me it seems that your office might be the safest place for now. With the door locked. Sincerely, Hermione Angleterre, Social Secretary to Monique de Guerre."

Thanks for kind concerns for my welfare - I am safetly ensconced in my office and the door is indeed locked. I've taken to wearing a cape which I can pull over my face when going out . . . and I have bought a new breed of security dog called a Dogaphant -- an animal so huge and vicious it makes the Hound of the Baskervilles look like a chihuaha. It is gentle to the kindly, but it has been bred to detect those who have irreparably evil hearts and do some serious ass bitin'

I fear nothing -- except perhaps my except the occasional loss of the beat when I'm waltzing.

Date: Mar 19, 2005

I know about bad days too, Sugar. Tell Mlle de Guerre that better days will come, possibly even tomorrow. I'd suggest that she go to early church, enjoy a fine lunch at Barnhills, and things will turn around in no time.

W.J.

Date: Mar 19, 2005

W.J.,

I truly look forward to meeting you someday, and I hope you won't mind helping me clean the egg off my face. You really had me going there for a while a few weeks back. You, sir, are a master of your craft.

Date: Mar 19, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: USM Sympathizer
"W.J., I truly look forward to meeting you someday, and I hope you won't mind helping me clean the egg off my face. You really had me going there for a while a few weeks back. You, sir, are a master of your craft."

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am touched. Yours is exactly the warm welcome we'd hoped for, and I too look forward to spending some quality time with you and other USM sympathizers. With any luck at all we'll be able to meet soon. Dr. Thames has asked me to deliver the Summer commencement address and I am giving his request careful consideration. I'll be visiting Hattiesburg several times before commencement, and will try to post my schedule here on the message board so that everyone can plan accordingly. If you don't live in Hattiesburg, I might be able to arrange transportation on the new university airplane, Lucky Shelby. Just let me know if I can help.

Your friend,

W.J.

Date: Mar 19, 2005

Tres bien! After much rest and reflection, I am happy to report that I am once again my own self.
There was a lovely long bath of bubbles, listening to a bit of Chopin and then a small picnic with Miss Angleterre, Dervish, and the real estate gentleman. Unfortunately there was no Dom Perignon left for them, but that is just as well -- they need to pay attention to their tasks, and Dervish does not drink.

This morning's events were quite challenging to the spirit, but with the help of dear Miss Angleterre, I am ready now to charge into the fray! One must live up to one's name, n'est ce pas? I am most alarmed at the airplane matter. Since the Concorde is no more, I travel less than in previous years. However, I am "working my Rolodex" as they say to procure an invitation on board. Of course, I do not actually maintain a Rolodex, preferring small slips of paper, backs of envelopes, or my hand, so it takes me a little longer to arrange a list of telephone numbers. Miss Angleterre despairs, but that is why I hired her.
So, when I receive my invitation, I shall need a tiny little camera, and a tiny little recording device. I'm sure these can be disguised as jewelry, so some of our more technical members of the PBR (yes, we have technology, we are not ALL artsy types!) could begin working on this project on my behalf. Hmmm, perhaps the new pilot will be tres charming . . .

Professor Judd, the cape sounds most fetching. Please say it is lined in red silk! Speaking of fetching, I can refer you to Dervish's most excellent trainer should the Doguphant require any refinement of the technique of posterior-biting. Most astute of you to obtain canine protection. Should you need it, I can gladly furnish a list of evil hearted persons whose posteriors need some biting!! (I would apologize for the violent reference but I do not care to. Anyone who is worried about a Doguphant should be more worried about themselves.)

Keep up the good fight, mes amis! C'est la guerre!

Date: Mar 19, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: J.W. Johnson

I thought I'd better correct myself right away since those of us in the academic business always aim for complete accuracy. I accidentally entered my brother J.W.'s name on my last message, but of course it isn't J.W. It's me, W. J. I used to play like I was J.W. when we were kids and when I get real tired I fall back on my old childhood habits. I apologize for any confusion I caused. Now I think it's past my bed time, so I'll say good night to all you fine folks.

W.J.

Date: Mar 20, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: W.J. Johnson
"
I thought I'd better correct myself right away since those of us in the academic business always aim for complete accuracy. I accidentally entered my brother J.W.'s name on my last message, but of course it isn't J.W. It's me, W. J. I used to play like I was J.W. when we were kids and when I get real tired I fall back on my old childhood habits. I apologize for any confusion I caused. Now I think it's past my bed time, so I'll say good night to all you fine folks.
W.J."

So, is it you or J.W. who will be speaking at the non-existent Summer commencement? Summer commencement has been cancelled; which brings to mind whether the business community is helped by one fewer set of graduation ceremonies?

Date: Mar 20, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: Confused student
" So, is it you or J.W. who will be speaking at the non-existent Summer commencement? Summer commencement has been cancelled; which brings to mind whether the business community is helped by one fewer set of graduation ceremonies?"

Dear Confused Student,

I'm pleased to have the opportunity to reduce your level of confusion. First, it will be me, W.J., who delivers the Summer commencement address. My brother J.W. has no connection to USM, other than his enrollment last week in the on-line doctoral program in Economic Development. I may have the honor of seeing J.W. receive his USM diploma at the end of the Summer if he completes his dissertation in time for commencement. I hope that J.W. is able to stay focused and finish his degree. He'll be the first member of our family to earn a PhD.

Second, when you say that Summer commencement has been cancelled, I assume you are referring to the Hattiesburg campus. I will be speaking at commencement at the new USM D'Lo campus, which Dr. Malone hopes to have open and operational by May. They tell me that after the two summer sessions, there should be over 300 students receiving undergraduate and graduate degrees through the accelerated programs offered in D'Lo. Now that's what I call forward thinking on the part of Dr. Thames and Dr. Malone. Those old boys are real visionaries.

Yours truly,

W.J. Johnson

Date: Mar 20, 2005

Dear W.J.,

We are all grateful to you for the inside information you so generously share on this board. To adapt a line from "Singing in the Rain," you have been able to bring a little insight into our humdrum lives, so all your hard work ain't been in vain for nuttin'.

I wonder if you would be willing to give us any glimpses of Shelby Thames, The Private Man. I feel that I do not, at present, properly appreciate The Inner Shelby. What makes this Great Man tick? What is a typical day in the life of Shelby Thames like? How does he bear with such grace the burden of greatness? It cannot be easy. Perhaps you, in your borderline mystical and divine way, can tell us.

Most humbly and gratefully yours,

USMS

Date: Mar 20, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: USM Sympathizer
"Dear W.J., ...I wonder if you would be willing to give us any glimpses of Shelby Thames, The Private Man. I feel that I do not, at present, properly appreciate The Inner Shelby. What makes this Great Man tick? What is a typical day in the life of Shelby Thames like? How does he bear with such grace the burden of greatness? It cannot be easy. Perhaps you, in your borderline mystical and divine way, can tell us. Most humbly and gratefully yours, USMS"

Dear USMS,

What you ask is a difficult chore, especially for individuals, like me, who do not have a way with words. Let me give it some consideration before I commit. As I cogitate on your request one thought does occur to me, and that is an analogy between the greatness of Shelby Thames, and pornography. If you happen to be a student of American history, you may recall the famous quote from Justice Potter Stewart, who when asked to define pornography admitted that he couldn't, but said he knew it when he saw it. Such is the greatness of Shelby Thames; like pornography, his greatness defies description. As I said, I'll mull over your request and see if I feel that I can do it justice. For now, I'll just leave you with this image of Dr. Thames by repeating a comment made by his friend and former associate Dr. Angeline Dvorak: "Shelby reminds me of a great throughbred racehorse in his prime, breaking out of the pack and sprinting for the finish line, leaving the rest of us in his dust."

Your friend,

W. J.

Date: Mar 20, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: W.J. Johnson
" Dear USMS, For now, I'll just leave you with this image of Dr. Thames by repeating a comment made by his friend and former associate Dr. Angeline Dvorak: "Shelby reminds me of a great throughbred racehorse in his prime, breaking out of the pack and sprinting for the finish line, leaving the rest of us in his dust." Your friend, W. J. "

W.J., I really wish you and Angie had used some other Thames analogy than a thoroughbred racehorse. If animal imagery is what the erudite Ms. Dr. Dr. Dvorak had in mind, a mule might have been a better choice. I'd have suggested a pig but pigs are friendly, loyal, intelligent, and cute.

Date: Mar 21, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: Monique de Guerre's Social Secretary
"It has been a somewhat distressing afternoon at Mlle de Guerre's house "

Monique,

We've heard nothing from you for many hours and the silence is troublesome to say the least. We do hope all is well. Stephen Judd seems to be similarly out-of-pocket today and....Hmmmm.....Oops....excusez-moi. Uhhh, Bonne chance!

Pierre

Date: Mar 21, 2005

Thank you for your concern, cher Pierre. It has been a rather busy day. I am having little success in my attempt to secure an invitation on board the Lame Eagle, or whatever the name of that new airplane is. We shall have to depend upon M. Johnson, in his "friendly" incarnation, for information from that quarter. Ah me, one tries one's best.
I was also looking up my own ACT and SAT scores, which were quite high, and my GRE subject test which was so high as to cause oxygen deprivation. Alas, none of these numbers seemed to help me towards my degree in Regime Change (I am up to the Master's so far.) I have had to locate the B.O.G.U.S. site and print out the diploma with no assistance whatsoever. That required a small nap and then a refreshing glass of chamagne, followed by a little trip to Bopp's for a Snappy Turtle.
By the way, if Bopp's is an Enemy Business, please do not tell me until the end of summer. One endures the so hot summer here by the weekly purchase of Snappy Turtles alternating with the lovely concoction involving strawberries. Without them, one is thrown back upon more champagne and possibly le mint julep, and already Miss Angleterre chides one about the consumption . . .
In any case, since I lept back into the fray yesterday (or whatever day that was) I am filled with new plans, most of which I cannot share. But I assure my friends that there was no rendevous with the adorable Professor Judd (though one's heart does flutter a bit at the idea). I do not have mysterious meetings with friends; I keep a low profile, but I live in the sunshine, and so should we all.

Date: Mar 21, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: W.J. Johnson
"
For now, I'll just leave you with this image of Dr. Thames by repeating a comment made by his friend and former associate Dr. Angeline Dvorak: "Shelby reminds me of a great throughbred racehorse in his prime, breaking out of the pack and sprinting for the finish line, leaving the rest of us in his dust."
Your friend,
W. J. "

The full import of this remark just now reaches me. I am most offended; I am not left in the dust of anyone, particularly the dust of disagreeable gentlemen (and I use that title as an undeserved courtesy, to say the least.) If I see this lady, I shall turn my shoulder away and act as if I do not recognize her. Quelle horreur!! One is staying home these days much more than one wishes to, to avoid these unpleasant persons. Please tell me she does not attend the opera!

Date: Mar 21, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: Monique de Guerre
" The full import of this remark just now reaches me. I am most offended; I am not left in the dust of anyone, particularly the dust of disagreeable gentlemen (and I use that title as an undeserved courtesy, to say the least.) If I see this lady, I shall turn my shoulder away and act as if I do not recognize her. Quelle horreur!! One is staying home these days much more than one wishes to, to avoid these unpleasant persons. Please tell me she does not attend the opera!"

Angie Dvorak at the opera? I've never seen her there. I think you have nothing to worry about Mlle. de Guerre. Angie's more the Barry Manilow type. Maybe some Michael Bolton, but opera. I hardly think so.

Date: Mar 21, 2005

Merci, merci beaucoup ! I could not endure to look across from my box at the critical moment of, perhaps, Turandot, and see . . . it appalls one. Possibly the Lame Shelby does not fly as far as New York? (what IS the name of that airplane?)