nsurprisingly, the Emergency Ad Hoc Committee meeting was quick & to the point this week, what with everyone ready for a little spring break relief. What began (in the best spirit of modern-day USM) as an Instant Tradition Creator can be a chore sometimes, but the committee remains committed, sometimes feeling that it should be committed. Thanks to the Vote-O-Matic, decision-making is so much easier, which leaves more time for important things like Miss Information's dewberry brandy. (Miss I's just a little old church lady, but she likes her vino.) Still, somebody has to write these narratives & every week, about half way through, that particular somebody thinks, "I really need to get a life."

ome of the biggest news this week, of course, revolved around the "community leaders meeting." It started out with 250+ Private Invitations to the Coca-Cola Plant & wound up with substantially fewer attending at an asphalt plant. We don't know if it was a black tie affair, but we're pretty sure they served Tripe for Dinner. (Okay, Oscar Had A Hunk Of Apple & a plate of Rommel's Asparagus.) Maybe they expected to Link Hands & sing a few bars of "Freland Über Alles," but it looks like the organizers grabbed a Tiger by the Tail. There's no point now in asking, "Are The Rabble Roused?" Folks were getting set for a Wrestle Royal. The organizers may not have intended it that way, but The Guantlet is Down. Take a stroll On the street where you live. Paved by Warren with "good intentions." One thing about the Paving Plant Putsch -- it's spinning off Conspiracy Theories by the Baker's Dozen. Rumors can be Heard in the streets & quite frankly some are pretty wild. One can Pete, Pete & Repeat them or ignore them, but they're there anyway. The Old Hattiesburg "elite" can sit around remembering its dazed gone bye, or it can move forward. Simple as that. Anybody who thinks this place can stand still probably believes in The Tooth Fairy, too. There's a Paradigm Shift going on, people.

ader's talking points distributed at the meeting acknowledged that CPAs are us & touted Headcount enrollment, but seemed to ignore the Missing in action: 2004 NCLEX scores. No matter how they spin it, that's Foolish thinking. There's no Plausible explanation point for it. Shelby's Dripping with guilt. SACS? Don't make me play that card! It's been said around here for almost a year now: Follow The Money/Connect The Dots. People even think Jimmy Hoffas' Ghost might be buried under the north end zone. But when everything lines up: Apocalyptica! USM would be skewered like a Shish Kebab & nobody (except perhaps the IHL board) wants to see that happen.

here are high school graduation days coming up & we're hearing more Parent/Faculty/Staff asking their kids, "You want to go school WHERE?" Enrollment's been growing & there are eight whole National Merit Finalists on campus now, but all that happened before the probation. Time will tell the tale. Meanwhile, faculty continue to load up the U-Hauls. Have vehicle, will travel. And it's not going to be sweet for local bidness people when they start to hear people asking, "Wanna buy a house? They're going cheap." Faculty aren't the only ones leaving. This week we found out that ace Fifth Columnist Kevin Walters will be moving up in the world. He's no printers devil any more. Whether the American will be able to find someone who can match his Journalistic Gymnastics remains to be seen. But as for Kevin, we'll all be looking for him on the The National Scene soon!

he world famous Night Chalker™ stopped by this week, confessing to being Out of date in Chalkville but still flaunting his/her patented Don't tread on me attitude. We ran into a Physical Plant Employee & his Plumbers Helper who told us that they were going to Cease and desist from cleaning up any more graffiti, regardless of the building inspector's orders. That way, folks can Sit and read. No magazine necessary.

here might be a 1st Amendment litmus test, but nobody in the administration is going to pass it. No worries -- we've heard that the Tung Oil Institute has contracted with Noetic to study the LZW algorithm as a possible corollary to Agency Theory. We don't know about all that "technical" stuff, but we do know that if you drink too much Black & Orange Crush you'll wind up with Yellow Teeth. And if you flunk out of polymer science after your freshman year, you probably can still get a job as a Plexiglas Salesman.

We enjoyed musical interludes all week as posters began humming Daydream Believer and a Homecoming Queen, as well as In the Garden of Eden by I. Ron Butterfly & the immortal Backfield in Motion. Country fans know that If you're gonna play in Texas, gotta have a fiddle. Additional entertainment was provided by Monty Python.

Invictus isn't known for Quoting Walt Whitman, so we won't: "Though the Rules of the Road have been lodged, it's only people's games you gotta dodge, and it's alright, ma, I can make it."

So now we arrive at the moment you've all been waiting for -- the announcement of this weeks People's Choice Nom d'Aplomb Award. Sometimes the Emergency Ad Hoc Committee has to second-guess the voters, but this time the message was clear as a bell: Kiss My Asphalt! The lucky winner, who summed up what a bunch of folks were thinking late this week, may retrieve his/her/its suitable-for-framing & resumé padding certificate at the proverbial usual place.

Have a wonderful spring break. The Committee is taking the week off -- no award next weekend. Go outside & pitch some antimacassars!