Ask Dr. Joan - USM Forum -- Message Board

Date: Dec 15, 2004

Ask Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 15, 2004

Do you think Shelby was going to show up at the IHL Borad meeting intoxicated? Do you think he will be so when he talks with the Lord?

Date: Dec 15, 2004

I'm sure you will receive numerous questions, Joan, but first I'd like to know a little about your credentials. Toward that end, I have a few questions. I Because you will accept only one question per post, I will reserve my other questions until later. Now, do you subscribe to the NO QUARTER philosophy?

Date: Dec 15, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Question
"Do you think Shelby was going to show up at the IHL Borad meeting intoxicated? Do you think he will be so when he talks with the Lord?"

Dear "Question,"

Thank you for your post! However, please remember the ground rules I put forward in my initial post, those being: 1) Questions should be limited to those specifically concerning the current little USM / SACS issue and 2) There should be only ONE question per post.

However, in the interest of fostering communication and good will towards men, I will answer both of your questions THIS ONE TIME ONLY. In the future, please remember that all rules and regulations put forth by the USM Administration are to be followed to the letter, exactly, no questions asked. Rules and regulations put forth by other, outside entities are, of course, subject to USM Administrative Review and do not apply to USM or it's Administrators unless we decide that we like them.

1) Do you think Shelby was going to show up at the IHL Borad meeting intoxicated? -- I have no idea. I am not familiar with His Majest . . . er, President Thames' alcohol consumption habits.

2) Do you think he will be so when he talks with the Lord? -- As far as the USM Administration is concerned, Dr. Thames IS the Lord.

Thank you for your time and attention,

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 15, 2004

Dr. Lord: Will tomorrow's flight to Atlanta to meet with Gerald Lord be on a lst class or on a regular ticket?

Date: Dec 15, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: thin wallet
"Dr. Lord: Will tomorrow's flight to Atlanta to meet with Gerald Lord be on a lst class or on a regular ticket? "

Dr. Joan. Pardon me, Gerald Lord.

Date: Dec 15, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Bud
"I'm sure you will receive numerous questions, Joan, but first I'd like to know a little about your credentials. Toward that end, I have a few questions. I Because you will accept only one question per post, I will reserve my other questions until later. Now, do you subscribe to the NO QUARTER philosophy? "

Dear "Bud,"

Thank you for your question, but I again ask that all participants please adhere to the rules I outlined in my original post, and which I reiterated to "Question" in my first response.

Once again, in the interest of promoting Peace at USM, I will answer this question, but this is ABSOLUTELY the LAST time I will do this!

Do you subscribe to the NO QUARTER philosophy? -- As a member of the upper levels of the USM Administration, my days, evenings, and nights are very full and busy, especially now that the holiday season is upon us. Christmas parties, building dedications, budget scam meetings . . . all of these important events fill most of my time, leaving me with precious little to follow message boards such as this one. Therefore, since I am not a regular participant of this board, I am not exactly sure exactly what the NO QUATER Philosophy is, and thus cannot tell you definatively whether or not I subscribe to it.

Go With God,

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 15, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: thin wallet
"Dr. Lord: Will tomorrow's flight to Atlanta to meet with Gerald Lord be on a lst class or on a regular ticket? "

Dear "Thin Wallet,"

Will tomorrow's flight to Atlanta to meet with Gerald Lord be on a lst class or on a regular ticket? -- I suggest that you consult a psychic.

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 15, 2004

Dr Joan: How will this meeting with Dr. Lord be different than the meeting Thames says he had with Lord in September 2004?

Date: Dec 15, 2004

Dr. J., would you like to take my place on the Johnny Carson show?

Date: Dec 15, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: CW Fan
"Dr Joan: How will this meeting with Dr. Lord be different than the meeting Thames says he had with Lord in September 2004?"

Dear "CW Fan,"

How will this meeting with Dr. Lord be different than the meeting Thames says he had with Lord in September 2004? -- I suggest that you go to www.onlinepsychic.com. Best prognosticators in the business. Trust me.

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 15, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Carnak
"Dr. J., would you like to take my place on the Johnny Carson show?"

Dear "Carnak,"

Thank you very much for your kind offer. However, as I stated earlier, my time is VERY limited due to my USM Administrative duties. What with monitoring e-mails, looking for tenured Faculty members to fire, and keeping the torrid Thames-Mader love affair covered up, I hardly have time to breathe!!!

Oops . . . uh . . . on second thought, perhaps your offer has some merit to it, after all. I offer the following in lieu of an audition:

1) Doofus
2) Roofus
3) Goofus

A) Who is the Gnome in the Dome?

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Dr. Joan
"In the interest of attempting to reach out to and communicate with all members of the faculty, staff, and students of our World Class university, I have decided to start the following topic thread specifically to answer any and all questions you may have regarding USM and the little hiccup we have had with SACS. As my time is quite limited, I ask that you please limit yourselves to ONE question per post. I will check back as often as I am able in order to answer these questions. I would also ask that, in posting your questions, you please be respectful of our university, it's faculty, staff, students, and Our Imperious Leade . . . uh, President Thames. Dr. Joan"

Ok...no more of this. My sides are hurting from laughing at this.

What a great bunch of people posts here.

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Dr. Joan
" Dear "Bud," Thank you for your question, but I again ask that all participants please adhere to the rules I outlined in my original post, and which I reiterated to "Question" in my first response. Once again, in the interest of promoting Peace at USM, I will answer this question, but this is ABSOLUTELY the LAST time I will do this! Do you subscribe to the NO QUARTER philosophy? -- As a member of the upper levels of the USM Administration, my days, evenings, and nights are very full and busy, especially now that the holiday season is upon us. Christmas parties, building dedications, budget scam meetings . . . all of these important events fill most of my time, leaving me with precious little to follow message boards such as this one. Therefore, since I am not a regular participant of this board, I am not exactly sure exactly what the NO QUATER Philosophy is, and thus cannot tell you definatively whether or not I subscribe to it. Go With God, Dr. Joan"

Stop it!! You are slaying me! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: thin wallet
"Dr. Lord: Will tomorrow's flight to Atlanta to meet with Gerald Lord be on a lst class or on a regular ticket? "

Dear "Thin Wallet,"

I have just learned that we will be leaving shortly and that we will be traveling on USM's brand new, luxurious private airplane, the EAGLE 1.

Later in the day, I will again try to answer any further questions, once the EAGLE has Landed.

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: CW Fan
"Dr Joan: How will this meeting with Dr. Lord be different than the meeting Thames says he had with Lord in September 2004?"

My mistake Dr. Joan - to correct the above question I meant to ask: How will the meeting today (Thurs. Dec. 19) with Dr. Lord be different than the meeting Thames claims he had with Dr. Lord in September 2002 (not 2004)? Sorry about that.

Date: Dec 16, 2004

I am originally from the birthplace of Dr. Phil, but I must say that Dr. Joan was born for this part. Dr. Joan, you and I have disagreed on a few matters in the past. Ready to bury the hatchet?????

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: UPDATE - Dr. Joan
"I have just learned that we will be leaving shortly and that we will be traveling on USM's brand new, luxurious private airplane, the EAGLE 1.
"

Y'know, I was wondering why y'all didn't just drive. Is it because the plane tickets can be charged to the $500K budget for SACS?

Date: Dec 16, 2004

Breaking... new letters from SACS shows Thames should have known, see HA web site.

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: CW Fan
"My mistake Dr. Joan - to correct the above question I meant to ask: How will the meeting today (Thurs. Dec. 19) with Dr. Lord be different than the meeting Thames claims he had with Dr. Lord in September 2002 (not 2004)? Sorry about that."

Dear "CW Fan,"

Thank you for correcting your original question and re-posing it in a seperate post!! How wonderfully refreshing to converse with someone who actually follows the rules!!

How will the meeting today (Thurs. Dec. 19) with Dr. Lord be different than the meeting Thames claims he had with Dr. Lord in September 2002 (not 2004)? -- To the best of my knowledge, the supposed meeting between President Thames and Dr. Lord that supposedly happened in September of 2002 may or may not have actually taken place. The difference between that supposed meeting and the meeting that was to take place today (Dec. 19th, 2004) is that President Thames actually climbed aboard EAGLE 1 and flew to Atlanta today, accompanied by myself, several ladies in waiting, and a case of Chivas.

Flying High,

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 16, 2004

Thanks Dr. Joan, my contact at Peachtree/Dekalb executive airport (PDK) in Decatur, GA near Emory Univ. & SACS headquarters may have seen you and SFT land there today.

Question: Did you really send the January letters (see HA web site) to Tim Hudson?

Date: Dec 16, 2004

To restate the question: Did SFT send the Jan. letters to Tim Hudson?

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: educator
"I am originally from the birthplace of Dr. Phil, but I must say that Dr. Joan was born for this part. Dr. Joan, you and I have disagreed on a few matters in the past. Ready to bury the hatchet?????
"

Dear "Educator,"

I deeply regret to hear that we have disagreed in the past. While I deeply believe in the open discussion of opposing points of view, I also believe that these discussions should remain cordial and civil. (I do so terribly detest verbal or physical disagreements that become unpleasent!) Therefore, with this in mind, I would welcome the opportunity to discuss these "few matters" that we may have disagreed upon in the past. Please remember to follow the rules and only pose one matter per post!!!

Concerning the issue of hatchets: Until further notice, all hatchets remain the property of the USM Administrative staff, to be used in whatever manner they may deem prudent or necessary to the safety and security of the university. Any unauthorized use of hatchets will be delt with severely.

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice,

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: I am Curious ... and Yellow
"

Y'know, I was wondering why y'all didn't just drive. Is it because the plane tickets can be charged to the $500K budget for SACS?"

Dear "Curious ... and Yellow,"

There are several reasons why a leisurely drive through the country would not have been feesible:

1) It would have taken much too long for us to arrive there and subsequently return.

2) What with luggage, sundries, and super-secret blackmail files on certain faculty members, there would have been no room for the case of Chivas.

3) There certainly would have been no room for the ladies in waiting, which Der Fuher . . . uh, President Thames, insisted upon.

Up, Up, and Away,

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: CW Fan
"To restate the question: Did SFT send the Jan. letters to Tim Hudson?"

Dear "CW Fan,"

Thank you for rephrasing your original question, which came dangerously close to implicating me in this little debacle.

Did SFT send the Jan. letters to Tim Hudson? -- I have absolutely no knowledge of the supposed January 2002 letters from SACS postmarked in Decatur, GA that may or may not have supposedly been sent to El Presidente . . . uh, President Thames and then supposedly forwarded to Tim Hudson during his tenure as Provost.

No Responsibilities Here Whatsoever,

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 16, 2004

Dear Dr. Joan,

I think you are doing a fine job on this thread. But where is Dr. Goebbels?

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: FireShelby
"Stop it!! You are slaying me! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! "

Dear "FireShelby,"

Thank you for your kind comments in your first post! In the future, however, I would ask that you please refrain from making comments about anyone being "slayed." I am certain that you are aware that tensions on our World Class Campus are somewhat high right now, what with this little flap over the SACS thing and so forth. As a member of our esteemed Administration, I would certainly hate to see anyone read more serious meanings into these comments than was originally intended.

On a personal side note: I would be very careful about making any type of comment or post that may reveal clues as to your true identity. Rumor has it that Lisa Mader has numerous teams of Private Investigators, Computer Nerds, and Legal Consultants (with attendent Risk Managers) frantically attempting to reveal your true identity.

Live And Let Die,

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 16, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: foot soldier
"Dear Dr. Joan,

I think you are doing a fine job on this thread. But where is Dr. Goebbels?"

Dear "Foot Soldier,"

Herr Doktor Goebbels is currently on top of m . . . er, rather busy . . . at the . . . moment . . . and is . . . not . . . available for . . . comment.

Forever In Love,

Dr. Joan

Date: Dec 16, 2004

Dear Dr. Joan,

I'm wondering how you've managed to convince many that you're a well-meaning and self-sacrificing (if somewhat bumbling) administrator trying to help the badly listing USM ship to right itself, when in truth you're simply a syncophantic careerist who will do anything to prove your cold-blooded managerial worthiness? After all, you got the disgraced Dvorak to appoint you co-chair of the search committee for dean of the College of Health, then ran off the other chair through your controlling antics, then manipulated your way to an interim appointment as dean yourself. After all, you fired the competent and courageous Dr. Kinney from Human Performance to keep your part of the bargain and to pass Saddam Shelby's test of toughness. After all, when thwarted in your quest for the permanent dean's appointment, you tore on-the-way-out Tim Hudson a new one, screaming at the top of your lungs in his dome-icile, then spent a week or so tantruming, threatening to cast your managerial pearls before swine elsewhere (what a loss to USM that would've been!), before swallowing Saddam's plum July appointment as special assistant for accreditation (a duty thus far brilliantly executed indeed!).

Just how do you do it, Dr. Joan? Is it that charming little girl voice? The halting speech, seeming to barely mask an exposed ego under tough questions teetering on the brink of spurting hot tears? The pathetic, pleading looks? The constant monotone harangue to eschew "finger-pointing," so we can just "move forward" together? Please, I really want to know....

J.M.

Date: Dec 17, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Jean Moulin
"Dear Dr. Joan,
I'm wondering how you've managed to convince many that you're a well-meaning and self-sacrificing (if somewhat bumbling) administrator trying to help the badly listing USM ship to right itself, when in truth you're simply a syncophantic careerist who will do anything to prove your cold-blooded managerial worthiness? After all, you got the disgraced Dvorak to appoint you co-chair of the search committee for dean of the College of Health, then ran off the other chair through your controlling antics, then manipulated your way to an interim appointment as dean yourself. After all, you fired the competent and courageous Dr. Kinney from Human Performance to keep your part of the bargain and to pass Saddam Shelby's test of toughness. After all, when thwarted in your quest for the permanent dean's appointment, you tore on-the-way-out Tim Hudson a new one, screaming at the top of your lungs in his dome-icile, then spent a week or so tantruming, threatening to cast your managerial pearls before swine elsewhere (what a loss to USM that would've been!), before swallowing Saddam's plum July appointment as special assistant for accreditation (a duty thus far brilliantly executed indeed!).

Just how do you do it, Dr. Joan? Is it that charming little girl voice? The halting speech, seeming to barely mask an exposed ego under tough questions teetering on the brink of spurting hot tears? The pathetic, pleading looks? The constant monotone harangue to eschew "finger-pointing," so we can just "move forward" together? Please, I really want to know....
J.M."

Dear "Jean Moulin,"

You poor, poor dear. Such anger! Such bitterness! It truely hurts my heart to see such feelings erupting from your poor, troubled soul. Perhaps some soothing words of truth and wisdom from Dr. Joan can help to ease your pain . . .

Mistress Dvorak made the decision to appoint me as the Chairwoman of that search committee after she (and other Administrators) realized that the then residing chair was incompetent and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. (I reluctantly accepted the position after learning that the chairman had begun smoking dried bananna peels to relieve his stress levels.) After the co-chair was dispos . . . er, stepped down, the remaining committee members unanimously suggested that I become the interim dean until the search could be completed. What with all of those smiling, happy faces simply demanding that I take the post, I had no choice but to humbly accept such an esteemed position.

I felt so sorry for poor Dr. Kinney when he was released from his position! I am just thankful that I was not involved in any way with what happened to him, other than to deliver the message to him that he had been released. The decision to release him was made by others who must remain nameless due to legal restrictions placed upon me by these same nameless persons.

I am so happy for President Hudson! He is moving forward with great strides in his new home, and I am so pleased for him that I could nearly burst! The only sad part is that he is so far, far away and so very, very busy. He is so very difficult to get in touch with.

I hope that in some small, meaningful way I have been able to help you through this trying and difficult time, dear Jean. I hope and pray that you will be able to let go of your frustrations and heartaches, thus allowing you to move forward with all of the rest of us as we work and strive to improve upon the greatness that is USM.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Dr. Joan