As we introduce le menzioni onorate this week, Do we have a plan for you! (Actually, the ad hoc committee has no plan at all, which we think is right in line with the USM strategic vision.) It will be a real Roller Coaster Ride! Grab some Popcorn, peanuts, crackerjacks, dear reader. Here we go!

Let's begin with a plea: "Oh, Mr. Wizard, take me back!" (Or maybe what we need is a real super scientist to come to our rescue.)

A lot of days seem to begin with lumpy oatmeal. Some of posters this week must've been hit by the ugly stick, including a Rodney Dangerfield Look Alike, who like many around here probably gets no respect. And while excess adipose doesn't make a person ugly (and may be desirable in a state where obesity is the norm), we'll put FatManWalking in the "negative self-reported phenotype category" this week. (Better to be a fat man walking than be mistaken for Sean Penn!) Of course, the usual tactic around here is to remain incognito, leading many to wonder Who is that masked man/woman?

Invictus said he was getting a bit fatigued of the various references to USN&WR rankings, but Miss I still thinks they are cute. After she threatened to put up the dewberry brandy, Invictus relented & allowed Until the Next Tierdrop Falls & Tiers On My Pillow to be included in this week's list. But the committee will draw the line & make a pre-emptive strike against anyone who even considers using The Vision of Tiers Plowman for an alias in these parts.

Of course, butt-ugliness isn't the only negative characteristic a person may exhibit as The Gaseous Gourmet reminded us. Avoid the baked beans & Aramark hot dogs, si vous plais. We liked GG because it reminded us of that time this summer when the Spin Mistress (Thanks Googler for that!) was out of town and no one in the dome could...well you remember! And another definition of Weiner is jr. hot link. Whatever one's definition of "revelry" might be, it helps when The Master of Ceremonies shows up.

Leave it to one of those new, modern faculty members to wonder if Everyone's out of step but us. Regardless, Soft Shoe Shuttle Bus asks, Why walk? Inquiring minds want to know.

The USM propaganda machine is always fodder for discussions here, as Dr. Joseph Goebbels reminded us. Sometimes it seems like Geraldo's Producer is in charge of the press releases. But it would help if Turabian were doing the proofreading. Regardless, the spin produces considerable G-force.

Baghdad Bob provides amazing satirical insight from deep within the war-torn university. People concerned about the future of academic ideals can continue to watch the process at USM unfold from the intellectual high ground of Bok's Seats.

The new, improved criminal justice, er, forensics program can only succeed now that Dick Tracy is around. There's no debating it. And whether it's de-confabulating the latest gnome-spin, finding the extra info we need to understand it, or just doing a wax job on the boss' car, a De Taler is handy to have around.

With so many faculty already on the way to becoming millionaires, it's good to know that we're on the Black and Gold Standard, although it's important to remember that the Black and Gold Baby should not be thrown out with the bathwater.. Hopefully, everyone will be like the Pillsbury Doughboy, rolling in cash soon. Doubleough might have some helpful hints for dealing with that cash, but we suspect that $400 is pretty much the limit.

One of last weeks HMs, Medicinal Laughter, reminded us that one role of this forum is to keep folks smiling, even if it looks like they're facing a Half Empty Glass. Humor was dispensed this week by Comedy Club & punch line, among others. (Miss I wonders how long the punch line was at the Tim Hudson soiree.) Pollyanic & Sunny side up remind us, though, that hope springs eternal & that optimism is necessarily naive & doesn't have to be funny to make us smile.

Speaking of optimism & any port in a storm, Time is running out reminded us that sooner or later "this too shall pass." Of course, this has been said time after time. The ad hoc committee is not holding its collective breath.

Special "Recognize the Competition " & multiple personality of the week award: A Cog in the Entire Mr. Wonderful Organization aka Mr. Wonderful's #1 Groupie aka Moonbeam aka Luna LumEre aka Mr. Wonderful's Night Shift... Miss I raised her old concerns about pornography and cheap lingerie with that last one. Mal and Vic just shushed her & refilled her snifter.

Well Enuf is Enuf as they used to say on the FireShelby board. Let's go to the Nom d'APlomb for this week...

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Everyone's out of step but us may be the most timely, insightful, and succinct description of this administration's flawed philosophy. Mal has already nominated it for the year end best of the best (creme de la creme being already taken) awards. As always, the winner can pick up the certificate suitable for framing at the usual place.