Miss Information is obligated to be the official pitch-piper for the Ladies Missionary Society Quartet at the all-day gospel sing & antimacassar toss, which begins shortly. So for once the Nom d'Aplomb committee will actually beat Mr. Wonderful's posse to posting this week's award winners...

It's was especially productive week for aliases, handles, noms de guerre & aka's. The Emergency Committee for Sobriquet Superiority was busier than an a one legged man at a butt-kicking contest just sorting through the note cards. Invictus has promised to automate the process, but between keeping Malapropism adequately (but not excessively) supplied with dewberry brandy & assuring Miss I that most of the noms aren't sleazy references to prostitution, note cards are the best we can do.

Let's begin with the honorable mentions...

There were plenty of Eureka moments during committee deliberations. Adopting a fairly popular network management term, Administrivia accurately described what deans, department chairs & faculty endure every day. And Curmudgeon gave us one possible outcome. Free Enterprise reminded us that "running a university like a business" includes the "right" to fail & go bankrupt.

Speaking of bankruptcy, things would have been better if at least one USM administrator had said "Put this Resume in File 13." While that might not improve one's Occupational Outlook, it probably would be better for the soul. Miss Information took a moment to consult the Ladies Missionary Society Cookbook & announced that if it were going to be cooked, there should be Sauce for the Goose. The cookbook didn't tell how hot to make the Fire Down Below, though. So there are more ways than one to cook a goose or skin a cat &. 7th Author mentioned one when s/he commented on the joys & benefits of coauthorship. Miss I asked if this person might be related to the legendary 7th son.

Already stumping for office, State Auditor Candidate promised big reforms after s/he gets elected. Invictus asked whether the SAC acronym was coincidental, but that's an entirely different breed of audit altogether! Redneck, White Socks, & Blue Ribbon Beer dredged up a beloved country ditty to defend the local demography. Remember, after the first 12-pack, Milwaukee's Best tastes an awful lot like Budweiser. This may be useful information if the budget situation doesn't improve this year.

IQ Doc revived a term Miss I heard in her youth to explain the difference between physicians ("medical doctors") & university professors ("book doctors"). Invictus noted that if anyone in South Mississippi has an ailing philosophy, there are plenty of folks who can doctor it at the university, where they obviously have plenty of idle time on their hands to do a little community service & ought to be eager to do a day's work for an hour's wage. However, if it's your spin that needs doctoring, you're out of luck, since LSM is a mite tied up with the USN&WR story at the moment. But more about that in a moment...

This week's listing also features the tag team of Donne Gone and Well Donne, celebrating the relocation of the Variorum meeting to more appreciative environs. As they say down around Breaux Bridge, "LSU donne good!" Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And the Entire Mr. Wonderful Organization gets our weekly nod in the group post category. We offer the consolation prize as our virtual olive branch this week.

Malaproprism insisted on including Porcine Aviation in the "shoulda-coulda-woulda been an alias" category, but Invictus disqualified it from consideration since it came from one of his posts. He did say that USM could use fewer pig pilots & more catherds on its administrative team.

After duly discussing all of the above honorable mentions, the ad hoc committee faced perhaps the toughest decision of its brief, er, tenure. This week was marked by two especially good noms d'aplomb. The committee therefore awards a special runner-up award to Full Moon and Empty Dorms for evoking an old love song (which didn't contain the word "plastic") to comment on the rumors of declining enrollment & remind us that even the decline of a great & beloved institution has its bits of romance. If the grand prize winner is unable to complete his/her week as reigning champion, FM&ED will serve out the term as interim.

And now, the envelope please... This week's winner of the coveted Nom d'Aplomb award is...

Tear Drop who neatly summarized both the fact & emotion surrounding the U.S. News & World Report listings. At least on this board, LSM will not go "un-pun-ished" for bad spin doctoring & her reputation for worl' class bad math remains safe for the nonce.

The lucky winner may retrieve the suitable-for-including-with-padded-portfolio award certificate here.