As a way of relieving some hostility, having some fun, and annoying some trolls, I hereby inaugurate the official Shelby Joke Thread. This will be a place for posting CLEAN and (somewhat) tasteful jokes about Shelby and the henchbunch.
Here is the first contribution:
Shelby, Roy Klumb, and Ken Malone walk into a building. You'd think ONE of them would have noticed!!!
All you have to do is take a minister/priest/rabbi joke and substitute the administrator of your choice with appropriate revisions. Here's one:
ST, KM and GL are out fishing in a boat. KM says, I'm thirsty, I'm gonna go back to the truck for a beer. Gets out of the boat, walks across the water to shore, gets his beer and comes back the same way. ST is stunned speechless. Few minutes later, GL does the same thing. When he gets back in the boat, ST is beside himself with fury. Who in the @#$% do they think they are? I'm the @#$% president of this place, by %$#@. I'll show these guys a thing or two. Stands up in the boat, announces he's heading to shore for a beer, steps out - - - and sinks like a rock. KM turns to GL and says, "You think we shoulda told him about the rocks?"
(It's funnier about clergy persons and level of faith, but it works with ego too.)
A person without vision (otherwise known as a blind man) walks into a bar in Hattiesburg. He says to the bartender, "Hey Bartender! Want to hear a joke about Shelby and his top supporters?!" The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but I feel I should tell you that President Thames, Ken Malone, and Roy Klumb are seated at a table right behind you and can hear everything you are saying. Now, are you SURE you want to tell that joke?" The blind man says, "Nahhhhh . . . I don't feel like explaining it three times!"
ST, RK, and KM are walking out of the dome when a bird flies over and craps right on RK's head. KM immediately says, "Just a minute, sir, I'll run inside for some toiletpaper." ST says, "Are you crazy? By the time you get back that bird will be miles from here."
ST has just fired NP (even though he has already resigned) and uses the opportunity to give him a good chewing out. NP takes it all stoically. Finally, ST says, "I know what you are thinking - when I'm gone you are going to come spit on my grave." NP says, "No, Sir. I swore that when I leave USM I will never stand in line again."
Shelby, Ken Malone, and Roy Klumb, got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
Shelby Ken, and Roy objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck the pilot asked the three guys, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah, Shelby said. I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
President Shelby F. Thames displayed an unerring sense of direction when guiding a plane carrying him and IHL board member Klumb and six other moose to a landing in remote Canada. Thames commented that "this is a world class triumph that demonstrates my ability to get us where we are going." Klumb nodded in assent but refused to comment on camera.
Breaking news.....Klumb has broken his silence. According to the outgoing president of the IHL board, "the moose were having a spirited, often heated discussion that perhaps distracted the pilot. It took all of President Thames' skill to......eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
The third passenger on the plane with President Thames has just released a statement to the press. "That pilot is a criminal and he is going to be in jail within a week. Not only did he put the lives of our fearless leaders in jeopardy, he put the USM plane at risk."
I would think with as many "politically correct" el sensitivos as are on this board, somebody would've show a little consideration before involving innocent moose in this sordid saga.
You may not have heard about their earlier hunting trip. They drove all the way to Alaska to hunt bear. As they entered the national park they saw a sign that said "bear left," so they drove back home.
quote: Originally posted by: Just an opinion "You may not have heard about their earlier hunting trip. They drove all the way to Alaska to hunt bear. As they entered the national park they saw a sign that said "bear left," so they drove back home."
Well, the bear probably did leave. Way I heard about this trip, it took them almost 3 months to get there. They kept passing service stations with signs that said "Clean restrooms." Shelby is said to have cleaned 4,327 restrooms between Hattiesburg and Alaska.
Prior to purchase of the USM plane (and, quite likely one of the reasons for the purchase), Shelboo and Klumber were riding first class on a commercial flight to D.C. The flight attendant asked Shelby for his drink order and he said he'd have a Scotch on the rocks. She then asked Klumber for his order. Klumb, being sanctimonious, says "I'd rather have sex with a brazen whore than have a drop of liquor to pass my lips." Shelby gets all excited and says, "Me, too, but I didn't know we had the choice."
Shelby walks into a fancy restaurant and the hostess asks for his name. He says, "Shelby Thames." She says, "I'm sorry." Thinking she's heard of hearing, he repeats, "I said 'Shelby Thames!'" And she replies, "And I said, 'I'm sorry!'"
Shelby finds himself back east at a fancy Ivy league party. He's always had a roving eye and when he sees a young lady by the fire place, and he swaggers over to talk to her.
He walks up to her, grimaces and growls, and says ,"hi there little lady, I'm Shelby Freeland Thames, president of a wurl' class university. Where did you go to school?"
The girl exhales disgustedly, rolls her eyes, and says, " Yale."
quote: Originally posted by: The best medicine "Well, the bear probably did leave. Way I heard about this trip, it took them almost 3 months to get there. They kept passing service stations with signs that said "Clean restrooms." Shelby is said to have cleaned 4,327 restrooms between Hattiesburg and Alaska."
quote: Originally posted by: Heh heh " Shelby finds himself back east at a fancy Ivy league party. He's always had a roving eye and when he sees a young lady by the fire place, and he swaggers over to talk to her. He walks up to her, grimaces and growls, and says ,"hi there little lady, I'm Shelby Freeland Thames, president of a wurl' class university. Where did you go to school?" The girl exhales disgustedly, rolls her eyes, and says, " Yale." Shelby again, " WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL!?!!!" "
quote: Originally posted by: Heh heh " Shelby finds himself back east at a fancy Ivy league party. He's always had a roving eye and when he sees a young lady by the fire place, and he swaggers over to talk to her.
He walks up to her, grimaces and growls, and says ,"hi there little lady, I'm Shelby Freeland Thames, president of a wurl' class university. Where did you go to school?"
The girl exhales disgustedly, rolls her eyes, and says, " Yale."
Shelby again, " WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL!?!!!" "
Okay, am I just stupid or is this joke way over my head?? Somebody explain this one to me! Is the joke that Shelby has never heard of Yale???
Roy Klumb takes Shelby to an MSU football game so Shelby can see "how it's supposed to be done." (Take that as you may.) As the State cheerleaders take the field, the mascot Bullie flops down at midfield & commences licking himself where dawgs are wont to lick themselves.
"Man, I wish I could do that!" Shelby exclaims.
"That dawg would bite you," Roy warns him.
(Alternate ending: "You already are," Roy declares.)
There is a university president named Shelby who is not too bright. He really wants to wants to stay president, but he is causing a new problem every day. He begins to tell people about his problems, and some ardent supporters (car salesmen, dentist's wife, restaurant owner, etc.) get together and put pressure on the IHL to let Shelby continue.
So the IHL commisioner asks all sorts of people what should be done with him, but the supporters loudly scream "Give Shelby another chance. Give Shelby another chance. Give Shelby another chance."
The commisioner says "OK you people really want this little guy to stay, so let's ask him a question. If he gets it right, we'll assume he's smart enough to stay. If not, he has to leave." They ask the supporters what they think of this, and again they chant "Give Shelby another chance. Give Shelby another chance."
So Roy Klumb turns to Shelby and says "OK, Mein Presidente. What is 2+3?" Klumb and the supporters eagerly await the answer as Shelby confidently exclaims "It is 7!" To this they all shout together, "Hooray! Four more years!"