Thames speaks to McComb alumni group - USM Forum -- Message Board

Date: May 16, 2005

Thames speaks to McComb alumni group

Date: May 16, 2005

"USM President Shelby F. Thames wasn't facing a hostile crowd Saturday night at the McComb Holiday Inn."

What an interesting way to begin an article. Why was it necessary to say the crowd wasn't hostile? Was this an exception? I'd be concerned if somebody wrote about me, "Professor John Doe wasn't facing a hostile crowd Monday morning as he taught his first class of the summer term in building xyx."

Date: May 16, 2005

"This is the largest capital campaign ever undertaken and completed by a university in the U.S."

This statement requires no comment. Eat your heart out, Harvard.

Date: May 16, 2005

"Since he took the reigns as President, 12 faculty members have retired and 3 have left for other universities."

Does this mean that Babbs list is wrong?

Date: May 16, 2005

"But, we have hired about 200-225 faculty members since I arrived, so now our total faculty count is just over 800."

I hear they're beating our doors down to get in. Where will we find the office space for them?

Date: May 16, 2005

reader,

We may need to see a scan of the clipping for this article... just to verify that our legs aren't being pulled.

'Cause if these quotes are accurate, Thames has gone completely and irrevocably off the deep end.

Next he'll be declaring that the official language of USM will be Swedish, and that everyone must wear their underwear on the outside, so it will be available for inspection ...

Robert Campbell

Date: May 16, 2005

Sounds like a funny to me -- they had me going for a while, though.

Date: May 16, 2005

Sorry, Shelby Omaha recently signed on to the college world series for another 6 years....

Conerly Trophy is a Mississippi award for football players in Mississippi, so possibly USM does have more trophys than California

The fool continues to speak

Date: May 16, 2005

Professor Doe,

You missed the best one:

"The Carnegie Rankings are very important to me. U.S. News and World Report's 'tiered' ranking system is based solely on how good an institution's faculty are," he said. "Although we've fallen in that system of late, I don't think it's best to place all of your hopes in one basket."

Date: May 16, 2005

I am agog. I am aghast.

Has Shelby lost his mind at last?

Date: May 16, 2005

Please folks. It has to be a joke. Read it again. However, it's a very funny joke. Congrats to the perpetrator.

Date: May 16, 2005

A joke? Oh no! Please tell me I have not been taken. Somebody should confirm this. If it's a hoax, it's a very funny hoax. I make my comments in all seriousness. I'll feel like tucking my tail between my legs and hiding if I learn the article was fabricated.

Date: May 16, 2005

I am so ashamed of myself. This sentence should have been the tipoff: " USM has had more Conerly Trophy winners than all the universities in the states of California, Florida and Texas --- the college football hotbeds --- combined," Thames relayed to the joyous crowd."

Date: May 16, 2005

What a great way to begin the week. I needed that.

Date: May 16, 2005

I'd like to take a course with you, Professor John Doe. Do you require term papers?

Date: May 16, 2005

can someone tell me why i don't find "thomas scott" listed as a staff reporter for the enterprise-journal?

Date: May 16, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: stinky cheese man
"can someone tell me why i don't find "thomas scott" listed as a staff reporter for the enterprise-journal? "

I'd like to take a course with you too, Professor Stinky. Do you require term papers?

Date: May 16, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: stinky cheese man
"can someone tell me why i don't find "thomas scott" listed as a staff reporter for the enterprise-journal? "

uh, because it's a joke? (For the third and last time.)

Date: May 16, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: Third Witch
" uh, because it's a joke? (For the third and last time.)"

SCM is an investigative reporter of sorts. He does provide much information for this message board. He's just doing his job.

Date: May 16, 2005

Dang, reader, you got my adrenalin flowing.

Like scm, I had to dig a little. There is no Holiday Inn in McComb.

Date: May 16, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: ram
"Dang, reader, you got my adrenalin flowing. Like scm, I had to dig a little. There is no Holiday Inn in McComb. "

There's lots of humor on the board the last couple of days. I guess an idle mind's the devil's workshop. It's no wonder there will be no Sunday awards until school starts again.

Date: May 16, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: ram
"Dang, reader, you got my adrenalin flowing. Like scm, I had to dig a little. There is no Holiday Inn in McComb. "

When did the HI in McComb close or is it now another brand

Date: May 16, 2005

reader,

Thanks for a good Monday morning laugh. Here is my favorite sentence (I loved the parenthetical aside):

"This is the largest capital campaign ever undertaken and completed by a university in the U.S. [with a President named after a river in London]," Thames exclaimed.

Date: May 16, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: Robert Campbell
"'Cause if these quotes are accurate, Thames has gone completely and irrevocably off the deep end. Next he'll be declaring that the official language of USM will be Swedish, and that everyone must wear their underwear on the outside, so it will be available for inspection ... "

Okay, I understand that this 'newspaper article' was a Monday morning joke, but something Robert said resonates as truth.

Does anyone else see SFT's "open-door communication" as resembling the Swedish Chef of the Muppet Show?

Date: May 16, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: already gone
" Okay, I understand that this 'newspaper article' was a Monday morning joke, but something Robert said resonates as truth. Does anyone else see SFT's "open-door communication" as resembling the Swedish Chef of the Muppet Show? "

Funny that you should say this, because apparently the article has already been translated into Swedish for distribution among Swedish Eagles:

Themes Relleees Iegle-a Sooppurters

Thumes Scutt, Interpreese-a-Juoornel Repurter

USM Preseedent Shelby F. Themes vesn't feceeng a husteele-a crood Setoordey neeght et zee McCumb Huleedey Inn. Zee Ruberts Cunfference-a Ruum ves feelled tu cepeceety veet Guldee Iegle-a sooppurters, und zee Suoozeern Meess Preseedent spent cluse-a tu 30 meenootes tuooteeng recent eccumpleeshments et zee uneefersity. In vhet sume-a ere-a celleeng zee "Vurk in Prugress Tuoor ooff 2005," Themes tuld Iegle-a sooppurters thet oone-a oonly hes tu feesit cempoos fur a shurt teeme-a tu see-a und feel zee ixceetement zeere-a. Zee leest ooff eccumpleeshments is lung, und zee Suoozeern Meess Preseedent is ieger tu shere-a zeem veet ell vhu veell leestee. "Thuoogh I ****eenooe-a tu reffer tu Suoozeern es a 'vurk in prugress,' vhet ve-a hefe-a dune-a seence-a Mey ooff 2002 is nutheeng shurt ooff estuoondeeng," Themes tuld sooppurters. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Ve-a joost cumpleted oooor cepeetel cempeeegn und reeched oooor guel ooff $100 meelliun," Themes seeed. "Thees is zee lergest cepeetel cempeeegn ifer undertekee und cumpleted by a uneefersity in zee U.S. [veet a Preseedent nemed effter a reefer in Lundun]," Themes ixcleeemed. Muny Iegle-a sooppurters, incloodeeng Krundell Hooell, vere-a ooferjuyed by zee noos Themes repurted. "Joost zee oozeer dey Jue-a Pool celled me-a und seeed 'ecceptunces' vere-a up. Ve're-a mufeeng oon doon zee rued et Suoozeern Meess," Hooell seeed. Und, Themes ves feelling zee ruum veet ifee beegger noos. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "In ethleteecs, theengs ere-a mufeeng fest es vell. Veet Cuech Pelmer's sooccess oon zee besebell deeemund, ve-a ere-a imprufeeng zee feceelities et Pete-a Teylur Perk. Ve-a veell edd skybuxes und a noo scurebuerd oofer zee soommer," Themes indeeceted. "Vhee zeese-a prujects ere-a cumplete-a, ve-a veell inqooure-a [veet zee NCEA] ebuoot husteeng zee Cullege-a Vurld Sereees in zee Spreeng ooff 2007," Themes seeed. "In fuutbell, veet Meecheel Buley's Cunerly Truphy ecceptunce-a, USM hes hed mure-a Cunerly Truphy veenners thun ell zee uneefersities in zee stetes ooff Celeeffurnia, Flureeda und Texes --- zee cullege-a fuutbell hutbeds --- cumbeened," Themes releyed tu zee juyuoos crood. Themes tuld gezeerers thet hees eggresseefe-a munegement style-a hes nut cume-a veethuoot sume-a cust tu zee uneefersity. Seence-a he-a tuuk zee reeegns es Preseedent, 12 fecoolty members hefe-a retured und 3 hefe-a lefft fur oozeer uneefersities. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Boot, ve-a hefe-a hured ebuoot 200-225 fecoolty members seence-a I erreefed, su noo oooor tutel fecoolty cuoont is joost oofer 800. Ve-a ere-a in guud shepe-a," he-a tuld sooppurters. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Vurk oon zee Pooerhuoose-a Restoorunt is vell undervey, es is Phese-a I ooff a $40 meelliun eddeeshun tu zee Stoodent Uneeun. "Ell ooff zeese-a feceelities shuoold help us get intu zee tup 5% in zee Cernegeee-a Runkeengs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ve-a ere-a tup 10% noo, boot yuoo cun elveys imprufe-a," Themes seeed. "Zee Cernegeee-a Runkeengs ere-a fery impurtunt tu me-a. U.S. Noos und Vurld Repurt's 'teeered' runkeeng system is besed sulely oon hoo guud un insteetooshun's fecoolty ere-a," he-a seeed. "Elthuoogh ve'fe-a fellee in thet system ooff lete-a, I dun't theenk it's best tu plece-a ell ooff yuoor hupes in oone-a besket. Um de hur de hur de hur. In oozeer runkeengs [Cernegeee-a], thuse-a thet meesoore-a hoo guud a schuul's munegement teem is dueeng, ve're-a mufeeng up," Themes clused.

Date: May 16, 2005

The article has also been translated into Red Neck, so it will have maximum impact among Shelby's usual supporters:

Thames Rallies Eagle Suppo'ters

Thomas Ole Jeb, Enterprise-Journal Repo'ter

USM President Shelby F. Thames warn't facin' a hostile crowd Saturday night at th' McComb Holiday Inn, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' Billy Bobs Conference Room was filled t'capacity wif Golden Eagle suppo'ters, an' th' Southern Miss President spent close t'30 minutes toutin' recent accomplishments at th' unyversity. In whut some is callin' th' "Wawk in Progress Tour of 2005," Thames told Eagle suppo'ters thet one only has t'viset campus fo' a sho't time t'see an' feel th' excitement thar. Th' list of accomplishments is long, an' th' Southern Miss President is eager t'share them wif all who will lissen. "Though ah continue t'refer t'Southern as a 'wawk in progress,' whut we haf done on account o' May of 2002 is nothin' sho't of astoun'in'," Thames told suppo'ters. "We jest completed our capital campaign an' retched our goal of $100 million," Thames said, cuss it all t' tarnation. "This hyar is th' largess capital campaign evah unnertaken an' completed by a unyversity in th' U.S. [wif a President named af'er a rivah in London]," Thames exclaimed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Menny Eagle suppo'ters, includin' Kran'all Hofine, were on overjoyed by th' noos Thames repo'ted, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Jest t'other day Billy Joe Ebenezer called me an' said 'acceppances' were up. We is movin' on down th' road at Southern Miss," Hofine said, cuss it all t' tarnation. An', Thames was fillin' th' room wif even mo' trimenjus noos. "In athletics, thin's is movin' fast as fine. Wif Coach Palmer's success on th' baseball diamond, we is improvin' th' facilities at Pete Taylo' Park. Shet mah mouth! We will add skyboxes an' a noo sco'eboard on over th' summer," Thames indicated, cuss it all t' tarnation. "When these projecks is complete, we will inquire [wif th' NCAA] about hostin' th' College Wo'ld Series in th' Sprin' of 2007," Thames said, cuss it all t' tarnation. "In football, wif Ichabod Boley's Conerly Trophy acceppance, USM has had mo'e Conerly Trophy winners than all th' unyversities in th' states of Califo'nia, Flo'ida an' Texas --- th' college football hotbeds --- combined," Thames relayed t'th' joyo's crowd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thames told gatharrs thet his aggressive management style has not come wifout some cost t'th' unyversity. On account o' he took th' reigns as President, 12 faculty members haf retired an' 3 haf lef' fo' other unyversities. "But, we haf hired about 200-225 faculty members on account o' ah arrived, so now our total faculty count is jest on over 800. We is in fine shape," he told suppo'ters. Wawk on th' Powerhouse Restaurant is fine unnerway, as is Phase ah of a $40 million addishun t'th' Student Union, as enny fool kin plainly see. "All of these facilities sh'd he'p us git into th' top 5% in th' Carnegie Rankin's. We is top 10% now, but yo' kin allus improve," Thames said, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Th' Carnegie Rankin's is mighty impo'tant t'me. U.S. Noos an' Wo'ld Repo't's 'tiered' rankin' system is based solely on how fine an insteetooshun's faculty are," he said, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Although we've fallen in thet system of late, ah doesn't reckon it's bess to place all of yer hopes in one baxet. In other rankin's [Carnegie], them thet measure how fine a skoo's management team is doin', we is movin' up," Thames closed, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Date: May 16, 2005

Dang, I grew up down here and never lived any further away than 100 miles from Lumberton, but even I never mastered that kind of dialect.

Date: May 16, 2005

Ok, I draw the line on the humour right here. Quit preachin' and done gone to meddlin' (punch line of a very old joke.)
This is a joke translator program. You can feed it a block of text and it comes up with this stuff. I have always disliked the "Redneck" translations because they tend to be more "hillbilly" mountain dialect than real Southern. They're insulting and demeaning, but that's true of all the "languages" they do and of course that's the point.

Date: May 16, 2005

quote:
Originally posted by: LVN
"Ok, I draw the line on the humour right here. Quit preachin' and done gone to meddlin'. . . I have always disliked the "Redneck" translations . . . They're insulting and demeaning . . . "

But don't forget, LVN, both the Redneck and the Baptist have learned to graciously swing with the blows with a smile on their face and seldom talk back.

Date: May 16, 2005

Sorry! Didn't mean to insult or demean; just wanted to have some fun. Here's the program I used for the "translations":

http://rinkworks.com/dialect/

I'm from Pittsburgh. Anyone who feels insulted or demeaned is welcome to translate any or all of my future posts into Pittsburghese in retaliation:

http://www.pittsburghese.com/