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USM Forum -- Message Board -> AAUP-USM MESSAGE BOARD -> Thanks from the Thames Family
Post Info TOPIC: Thanks from the Thames Family
L. S. Mader

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Thanks from the Thames Family
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Dear USM Professors:


I hope you'll all excuse me for using your forum for a personal matter.  I am forced to do so, as I know of no other means of contacting Chef Emilio.  Earlier today, in a thread on this message board,  Chef Emilio offered to provide Dr. Thames with certain food preparation techniques and recipes which, he believed,  would assist Dr. Thames in his life-long battle with flatulence.  As promised,  the Chef delivered this information to Dr. Thames office at noon, and it was subsequently messengered to Mrs. Thames and her kitchen staff.  Mrs. Thames has studied the materials, and believes they will be of great help to Dr. Thames.  The Thames family would like to express their heartfelt thanks to Chef Emilio for his kindness and  generosity. 


Chef Emilio,  Dr. Thames has a request of you.  He realizes that the materials you provided are trade secrets, and being a renowned scientist with many patents to his credit, he is aware of the importance of maintaining their confidentiality.  Even so, he would like to ask your permission to pass this information on to his friend Dr. Elliott Pood, Dean of the College of Arts and Letters.  Dr. Pood suffers from the same affliction as does Dr. Thames, a condition known as CEF, or Chronic Explosive Flatulence.  Coincidentally,  Dr. Thames first met Dr. Pood at a CEF conference some years ago, even before bringing him to USM.  Throughout his life Dean Pood has been the butt of many cruel jokes.  Indeed as a child and even into his college years  he was called "Pootin' Poody"  and "Pootie Pood,"  causing him untold hurt and embarrassment. These are indignities no one should have to endure.  As you may know, there is no known cure for CEF, which makes your gastronomic remedies all the more attractive to those who suffer from this malady.  Please respond here  or directly to Dr. Thames, at your earliest convenience, and advise him as to your willingness to release this information to Dr. Pood.  I'm sure it goes without saying that Dr. Pood and Dr. Thames, as well as their families,  will both be forever indebted to you. 


Sincerely,


L. S. Mader,  USM Director of Marketing and Public Relations



__________________
Ken Malone's Risk Manager

Date:
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Pardon me folks,  but Dr. Malone read this message from Ms. Mader and has asked that I request the same medico-culinary information provided to Drs. Thames and Pood by Chef Emilio.  I believe it's commonly known that Dr. Malone also suffers from CEF, and when in the grips of a severe episode,  his disposition turns decidedly foul.   I am certain that both Dr. Malone's immediate family and his USM extended family would benefit greatly from any formulation which would mitigate his dreaded CEF attacks.  Thank you in advance for your consideration and assistance in this matter.


Sincerely,


Robert H. Herzinger


Personal Assistant and Risk Manager to Dr. Ken Malone



__________________
The Wurl' According to GARP

Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: Ken Malone's Risk Manager
"Pardon me folks,  but Dr. Malone read this message from Ms. Mader and has asked that I request the same medico-culinary information provided to Drs. Thames and Pood by Chef Emilio.  I believe it's commonly known that Dr. Malone also suffers from CEF, and when in the grips of a severe episode,  his disposition turns decidedly foul.   I am certain that both Dr. Malone's immediate family and his USM extended family would benefit greatly from any formulation which would mitigate his dreaded CEF attacks.  Thank you in advance for your consideration and assistance in this matter. Sincerely, Robert H. Herzinger Personal Assistant and Risk Manager to Dr. Ken Malone"
With all of these risk managers appearing, now might be a good time to familiarize ourselves with their professional association: http://www.garp.com/.

__________________
Landscape Manager

Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: The Wurl' According to GARP
"With all of these risk managers appearing, now might be a good time to familiarize ourselves with their professional association: http://www.garp.com/. "


Interesting. I found the upcoming conference announcement on "hedging & risk management" especially interesting.

Hedging might be the #1 thing that USM's "managers" do these days



__________________
Olfactory Ollie

Date:
Permalink Closed

quote:
Originally posted by: L. S. Mader
"..... Dr. Thames ... life-long battle with flatulence..."
April Fool's Day spoof though this is,  I can't help but comment that like much humor, there's a basis to it.  The prez is a prolific gas producer and quite proud of his prodigious output, seeming to delight in making others uncomfortable.  I've never been able to decide whether his propensity for crepitation is due to a medical condition, diet, some sort of bizarre compensatory behavior (I'm doing this just because I can),  lack of manners, or something else entirely.  Whatever the case,  beware the Thames aura, for it is foul indeed.

__________________
View from a Distance

Date:
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By all means, treat this before it reaches the final stages. I remember National Lampoon running a special on "The Heart Break of TF" (Terminal Flatulence).

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